by Kathy Henigan Jimerson

It was a picture perfect day. Early morning rain that threatened to ruin months of hard work remained only as a cool breeze. The purple blooms on the crape myrtles glowed in the June evening, and the stars had come out in full force. Under the sparkling lights of the white tent, guests mingled and enjoyed the atmosphere of celebrating two people who were joining their hearts and their lives together.

It was a beautiful wedding; it wasn’t a beautiful marriage. After ten years, it died. Only there wasn’t a funeral; there was a divorce.

As parents and grandparents, we have shed tears while trying to calm the anger and confusion that overwhelmed all of us; always looking for answers yet not sure what the questions were. Trying to understand boundaries so as not to add to the hurt and confusion; our goal was to help and not hinder.

Just as there isn’t a manual for parenting, there isn’t one for divorce. When our kids were young, they thought we were invincible and could fix anything. We learned we couldn’t then, and we still can’t now, but the one thing we did learn was to know what part is ours and what part is God’s.

Although I’ve never come across any "Divorce Recovery for Parents/Grandparents" books, through trial and error and then finally allowing God to take charge, we’ve learned some things.

Believe God. There are many things we may never understand, and the fickle human heart is one of them, but the heart of God "changes not." He has a "hope and a future; a good plan," and that doesn’t change because a marriage relationship derails along the way. His seal of love, hope and promise are still on His people. God doesn’t like divorce any more than we do, but He loves His children and that never changes!

Pray, release and trust. Our family and friends are watching the faith we talk about and hopefully are living out in front of them. This is our time to let God shine. Good intentions often translate into more problems. Ask God for wisdom to know what part is yours and what part is His. If you want to help but don’t want to be a stumbling block to what God wants to do, ask the Holy Spirit daily to help you discern if you’re overstepping and getting into His territory. And then trust Him to do His part.

Be a parent and not just a counselor. Create a safe place for unconditional love. Don’t ask probing questions, but give your child full reign to talk, be quiet or cry. Just be there in the silence even when your own inner battle is raging. Trust God with all of it including what you feel.

Surround yourself with healthy support. Find resources that help you grow. When this happened to our family, I hadn’t heard of an author by the name of Angela Thomas, but because of her own journey and her courage to pen her pain as well as her triumph, I began to gain insight and understanding. Christian counselors are also some of God’s greatest gifts in seasons of pain. Finally, surround yourself with healthy people who encourage wisely. God continues to provide wonderful encouragement through new people He brings into our lives who are now on the other side of situations like ours. Their success stories remind us what a faithful God we have.

Don’t blame and don’t judge. How many times have we, as parents, said, "You can hurt me, but you better not hurt my child!" Forgiveness is vital to trusting God and moving forward in a healthy way; however, that’s possibly the hardest thing to do. Some of Jesus’ final words were, "Father, forgive them for they don’t know what they are doing." Forgiveness doesn’t condone or translate into total acceptance; it means you are entrusting your children or grandchildren to Jesus and doing life His way.

No one ever planned a beautiful wedding with thoughts of divorce. Although the relationship may be dead, your child is very much alive. God’s plan didn’t begin with the wedding, nor does it end with the death of the marriage. Romans 8:28 says, "And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose." There aren’t any strings or stipulations attached to that verse. We are still in the midst of sorting through this. But as others come alongside us to help hold us up, I know we will one day have the opportunity to do the same. This is our time to heal and get healthy, and then we will hopefully pass that wisdom on to others.

The good news is God is still on the throne. Keep Him on the throne of your heart, and there will be joy and laughter again.

Weeping may last for the night but joy comes in the morning.
Psalm 30:5