Dear Debbie

Q. I am in love! I mean really in love! I’ve found the perfect man for me! We’ve been dating for a year and are moving towards marriage. We’ve even been ring shopping, and I think we’ll be engaged before the holidays are over. Our latest conversations have been focused on when we should set a wedding date. We’d love to get married in late spring, but some of our family members have suggested that we should wait a year before getting married. We aren’t sure what advantage that offers us. Would you encourage us to wait?

~ALMOST A MRS.

A. Congratulations! This is such a sweet time in your life. I couldn’t be happier for you. To answer your question, I’m going to first make a few assumptions. One assumption is that you’re both believers and another is that you have your parents’ blessings. If both of those are in place, then my advice is to get married as soon as possible. God put a natural attraction in us for our future spouse, and long engagements can be the breeding ground for temptation. Simplify your wedding plans if necessary, and purpose to enter marriage pure. In twenty years, you’ll have forgotten many details about your wedding, but you can always cherish the commitment you made to each other to stay pure. In the meantime, I encourage you to enjoy this season of waiting, hoping and dreaming.

 

Q. My husband recently confessed that he has a problem with lust and pornography, and I don’t know if I responded in the right way. My insecurity about our relationship has soared, and I find myself suspicious when I’m not sure where he is or why he’s late. He has assured me of his love, but I can’t shake how I feel.

  ~INSECURE AND SUSPICIOUS

A. It is totally understandable why you would feel the way you do. However, I want to offer you a new way to look at this. This is a really good thing. Your husband didn’t tell you this to hurt you, but rather to improve your relationship. No man confesses about an area of bondage unless God is working on his heart. I believe your husband told you for several reasons. One reason could be that he realizes he has a problem that’s adversely affecting his relationship with you and God. Another reason is that he knows he needs some help to change years of bad habits. Something you should understand is that this isn’t as much about you as the Enemy would love to make you think. The Enemy is cruel, and he may be telling you that you lack something and are unable to capture all of your husband’s thoughts. With that said, you might want to ask God to show you if there are some things you should change such as weight, or energy in the bedroom. Now here’s the good news: you could be looking at the greatest opportunity to radically improve your intimacy level. This is a time to build transparency, which in essence is intimacy. Your husband might want to seek ministry but needs your support. So, thank him for being so honest with you. In the most loving and kindhearted way, ask what you can do to help. Years ago, Robert gave me permission to ask how he was doing in this area. Just giving me that freedom restored confidence in our relationship. Finally, choose to believe the best about your husband and yourself, and allow God to restore your marriage to a greater level of trust and intimacy than you have ever known.